I love that song by Faith Hill and the title has so applied to me over the last 18 months. Let me share somethings with you and maybe you can understand and give me some insights and tips.
Turn back time to June 2011 - My dear Uncle Don who was instrumental in bringing me up - passed away. I was at my son's home in South Florida when dad called to tell me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You see - my mom was in the early stages of ALZ and my dad for various reasons move to Spring Hill so that he could be closer to mom's family. (My dad is an only child.) So not only did we lose my Uncle, but Dad lost a close friend and Brother that he never had.
I had lost my job with Walmart and my benefits as well and I was living on a part time income which was not (and still isn't) making the bills. Bwecause of that I still do no have insurance and have to resort to going either to the emergency room or to a free (donations accepted) clinic. I was not able to get my medications refilled for several months. That being said I slipped into a depressed state where the slightest comment could set me off in a flood of tears. I had even thought of ending things.
Fast forward to October 21, where I received another phone call from my dad to tell me that my niece-in-law had been shot (freak accident) and did not make it. I fell apart again and with my dad and my Son and Daughter-in-Law we took the 1 1/2 hour trip to their home to be there for my nephew and his 3 boys. Now I didn't have the best relationship with either my nephew or niece-in-law, but I still cared for her and she was the mother to those precious boys. I had no idea what was going on in the house. Beth was a neat freak - germ phobic who made you take your shoes off and use hand sanitizer before you touched the boys. I can see where in her mind her life went to hell in a hangbag too - she did a complete 180 and was not focused on her home and raising the boys properly. Enough said there.
Because I was still in a state of depression and shock over the losses and now watching my mother go downhill fast - I only did what it took to get by - feed and walk my dogs, go to work, come home, sleep (if possible). I did not housework, no outside activities, no crafts, no computer or Facebook, Pinterest, etc. Any little comment or picture or anything for that manner - would send me in a flood of tears and sobs. I couldn't handle the day to day stuff other than showering, taking care of myself and the dogs.
I knew that this was not a healthy choice I had made and always being able to snap back to reality My BFF told me I was like one of those punching clowns - you hit me hard and I bounce right back up - I knew that this time I wasn't coming back up. I felt like I was suffocating in my own depression and needed to take a step back. Being a country girl - I hitched up my britches, tightened the belt and figured out what the dickens was wrong with me and made a plan to get it right. My bad day that I had back in June has lasted a little over a year now.
Self evaluation is the hardest thing to do - especially when you are depressed - you can make all kinds of excuses as to why you are the way you are. I think it is harder to accept than constructive criticism from others. Anyway I needed to figure out the root of the problem and a way to fix it. One of my main problems is lack of patience and although I knew in my heart there was a way to fix these problems, I needed to find it and fast, I was fighting so many battles and not only was I losing them but I was dog tired as well.
I found out that trying to figure out and then fix the problem on a challenging day only made the matters worse. I needed to wait until I was emotionally stronger to fix some things. If at the time I felt better about myself and the problem - I could work though it. Most of the time the problem would work itself out, become less of an issue for me or become non-existant. If it remained an issue then in a different frame of mind I was able to see the trees for the forest and work through the issues.
I will share later what I did to get out of this depression and start slowing re-living for me and my family. More to come.......
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